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Mourning the Should Have Been

Witten and Daddy

I was excited to see my little boy’s class picture as I opened his backpack this afternoon. He sat on the front row in his bright blue shirt smiling his fake little smile. I grinned knowing they had to coax that out of him. I looked at the other kids in the picture glad to see who he spent his days with, and my heart sank a little. You see, my little boy is in the special ed room. The room no parent dreams of their child being in. You could see some of the disabilities on some of their sweet faces.

But you can’t see Witten’s, so sometimes people forget. They forget until he begins to speak and the words are unclear. As he pointed out his friends, I struggled to understand the names he spoke. People forget until he begins to interact with them and they realize he’s well below a five year old.

Some days even I forget. I live in the day in and day out, and I see so much growth. I hear a little boy that can now speak to me in sentences when before he just cried. I see a little boy work puzzles and look at books when before he wanted nothing to do with those things. I see a little boy who can interact with those around him when before he would hide.

But lately I find myself living in the defeat. I find myself mourning who he could be, and then feeling guilty for those feelings. I find my heart breaking that there are some things I can’t help him with. There are some things he just still doesn’t understand. I find myself mourning what should have been. I tell God that it shouldn’t be this way. And my heart hurts for my little boy, and I yearn for better days.

Some days are just hard. Today is one of those days. Tonight I have cried and mourned. You see, Witten is supposed to go to kindergarten in August, but he’s still not potty trained. I’ve tried it all. Tonight, I knelt beside him and told him if he would poop on the potty we would buy him Mickey Mouse underwear. He responded by telling me that he just wants Mickey Mouse diapers. I don’t know where the disconnect is, and I don’t know how to help him.

And so I give it to God. It doesn’t matter how many books or articles you read, you can’t fix it all. Trust me, I’ve tried. I feel like we’re doing all the right things, and it’s still not enough. However, some things we just have to walk through and trust God through them.

So, if you’re a mom like me, I see you. I know it’s hard some days. We will make it because that’s what we do. And no matter how ill-equipped you feel to carry this load (I know I do!), God will see you through. I’m praying for you and your little one!

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