Author: Emilydvsn

“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’ But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:25-32

If you don’t recognize that passage, it comes from the Prodigal Son. Normally we focus on the love of the father or the repentant prodigal son, but I want to take some time to talk about the faithful son, the one that stayed behind.

I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately. I think most Christians, if we’re truly honest, can identify with him. We’ve all been there. Or at least I know I have. I’ve been reading Comparison Girl by Shannon Popkin. In this book she delves into all of the comparisons we make with Christians and sinners alike and points out that our disgust is even a comparison.

I began to think about the other brother in this story. He was disgusted that his brother first, would have the audacity to go and blow all of his father’s money on harlots and secondly, that his father would celebrate the son’s return. It was what Shannon Popkin calls the “upside down Kingdom”. God doesn’t measure us based on measuring lines like we do to others.

As I scroll through Facebook and search my own heart, I know we are measuring the world with disgust. We are looking on from the side thinking they aren’t worthy to sit in our church or even thinking to ourselves, “Did they really get saved?” Yikes! We have become judge where God never called us to be the judge.

So, today as we encounter others that sin differently than us, may we always lead them to the Father with outstretched arms. Let them come broken and dirty and destitute. It’s not our job to change them. May we let the Holy Spirit convict their hearts and ours. I pray that I can see others through the Father’s eyes today and not through the eyes of the other brother.

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Then King Darius wrote: To all peoples, nations, and languages that dwell in all the earth: Peace be multiplied to you. I make a decree that in every dominion of my kingdom men must tremble and fear before the God of Daniel. For He is the living God, And steadfast forever; His kingdom is the one which shall not be destroyed, And His dominion shall endure to the end. He delivers and rescues, And He works signs and wonders in heaven and on earth, Who has delivered Daniel from the power of the lions.” Daniel 6:25-27

Today, I read the story of Daniel in the lions’ den. It’s a story I’ve heard and read many times through the years. I assume if you’re reading this, you probably have too, but this morning, I read it with fresh eyes.

The first thing I noticed is how we take this story for granted. We’re like, “Oh, yeah, Daniel survived some lions. Cool.” I’m pretty sure that’s more than cool. The average weight of a male lion is anywhere from 330 pounds to 570 pounds according to http://www.pbs.org. Can you even imagine? The scripture says, “no injury found on him, because he believed in his God.”(verse 23) I think we take the miracles in the Bible for granted. We forget that God can shut the mouths of lions or we don’t even understand or grasp the magnitude of what He did. We also think that only happened in the Bible. But Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” God is still shutting the mouths of lions. God is still working in mighty ways. We just have to get out of the way and let Him.

The second thing I noticed is how Daniel stood for his beliefs without becoming a political zealot. When King Darius made a decree that went against God, Daniel didn’t march up to the palace and demand that people who didn’t believe in God to change. Daniel continued to worship God and honor Him no matter the consequences. Today, I see Christians expecting nonbelievers to behave like Christians while not honoring God themselves. We have to be true to the Word of God. We have to stop trying to push our beliefs on others and introduce them to our Savior. Do you know why King Darius responded the way he did to Daniel’s encounter? Because he saw firsthand how awesome our God is. When is the last time we tried to show someone the awesomeness of God and how mighty He is?

We need a fresh encounter with God where we realize how awesome and mighty He is. If we don’t understand how big of a God we serve, we can’t share Him with others. We get so caught up in rules and regulations and checklists and thinking everyone needs to follow those. But the nonbelievers of this world want nothing to do with a set of rules to follow especially when they see we don’t always uphold them either. We need to fall in love with Jesus again. We need to surrender to His power and let Him work in us.

Trust me, He’s a big enough God to shut the mouths of lions, whatever your lions may look like. He can take care of it. We just have to submit to Him and trust Him.

My heart ached as I stared at the text.

“Okay love you too”

I knew how she texted. I knew I wouldn’t hear from her again tonight. My firstborn. The one I had spent hours a day praying for. The one who made me mommy. The one who gave my life a new purpose. She was now breaking my heart.

She’s heading to high school this fall, so we’ve had our fair share of disagreements through the past few years. I’ve seen more eye rolls and closed doors than I care to count. I’ve cried after snarky remarks, and I’ve always tried to steer her in the right direction.

Even through all of the fights, she’s always needed me. She’s always wanted to tell me things, and she’s always reached out to me. When something has bothered her, she’s always needed momma.

And then this week happened. One moment after another of her not needing me while she’s been at camp. The phone going to voicemail when I call. Texts not being answered. And my heart is broken. It’s split into two, and I realize all parents go through this at some point.

I’ve given her space, as hard as that is. No one prepares you for these moments though. No one says they’re going to pull away. No one warns you that you’ll wake up one day and not be needed nearly as much. And I know this is only the beginning. I know she will only continue to become more independent, and I’m no longer needed quite as much.

I know it’s as it should be, but my momma heart isn’t ready. I shouldn’t have to start letting go so early. I shouldn’t have to let go until she leaves. But I know it starts now. I know we need these moments to prepare us for the next few years.

So, I’m trusting God. I’m trusting that He will take care of her and hold her in His hands. I’m praying that she always trusts Him completely. I’m praying that she follows His will for her life.

And I’ll cherish every moment that she does open her heart to me. I’ll embrace her with open arms tomorrow when she walks in from camp. I’ll listen to her stories and pray that she knows it’s okay to need her momma. And I’ll try to be okay with letting go.

I sat tonight mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. I saw post after post of pictures of friends celebrating birthdays, families on vacation, and people genuinely seeming to live their best lives. It’s so easy to get caught up in the comparison game, especially on social media. I find myself with a lot of “I wish” statements. I say things like, “I wish my house was bigger.” “I wish we could go there on vacation.” “I wish I had a group of friends like that.”

Then I linger on that last one. I’ve always heard, “Find your tribe.” The problem is that my tribe seems to be lost or perhaps it’s me. I’ve always been that way though. I’ve never stuck with friends very long. It’s not that I didn’t have good intentions or that I didn’t like them, we always just grew apart. And I found that I always seemed to be the one who kept those relationships going. When I stopped trying, the friendships ended.

Now, I’m also not saying that I have no friends. I do have some great people in my life. People who love and care for me, just not those ugly cry in the middle of the night friends, if that even makes sense.

Then I realized I have found my tribe. The four other people who live in these four walls are my tribe. They are the people who have seen me ugly cry. They’re the people who know how to pull me out of my funk. They’re the people I trust the most in the whole world.

My tribe definitely looks different. They’re not everybody’s cup of tea, but I would choose them a million times over again. And it’s okay that my weekends aren’t full of parties and dinner dates. I’ll gladly be here on the couch with my babies. Now, excuse me while we finish Toy Story (for the 1700th time today!).

I was excited to see my little boy’s class picture as I opened his backpack this afternoon. He sat on the front row in his bright blue shirt smiling his fake little smile. I grinned knowing they had to coax that out of him. I looked at the other kids in the picture glad to see who he spent his days with, and my heart sank a little. You see, my little boy is in the special ed room. The room no parent dreams of their child being in. You could see some of the disabilities on some of their sweet faces.

But you can’t see Witten’s, so sometimes people forget. They forget until he begins to speak and the words are unclear. As he pointed out his friends, I struggled to understand the names he spoke. People forget until he begins to interact with them and they realize he’s well below a five year old.

Some days even I forget. I live in the day in and day out, and I see so much growth. I hear a little boy that can now speak to me in sentences when before he just cried. I see a little boy work puzzles and look at books when before he wanted nothing to do with those things. I see a little boy who can interact with those around him when before he would hide.

But lately I find myself living in the defeat. I find myself mourning who he could be, and then feeling guilty for those feelings. I find my heart breaking that there are some things I can’t help him with. There are some things he just still doesn’t understand. I find myself mourning what should have been. I tell God that it shouldn’t be this way. And my heart hurts for my little boy, and I yearn for better days.

Some days are just hard. Today is one of those days. Tonight I have cried and mourned. You see, Witten is supposed to go to kindergarten in August, but he’s still not potty trained. I’ve tried it all. Tonight, I knelt beside him and told him if he would poop on the potty we would buy him Mickey Mouse underwear. He responded by telling me that he just wants Mickey Mouse diapers. I don’t know where the disconnect is, and I don’t know how to help him.

And so I give it to God. It doesn’t matter how many books or articles you read, you can’t fix it all. Trust me, I’ve tried. I feel like we’re doing all the right things, and it’s still not enough. However, some things we just have to walk through and trust God through them.

So, if you’re a mom like me, I see you. I know it’s hard some days. We will make it because that’s what we do. And no matter how ill-equipped you feel to carry this load (I know I do!), God will see you through. I’m praying for you and your little one!