Letting Go

Olivia at church camp

My heart ached as I stared at the text.

“Okay love you too”

I knew how she texted. I knew I wouldn’t hear from her again tonight. My firstborn. The one I had spent hours a day praying for. The one who made me mommy. The one who gave my life a new purpose. She was now breaking my heart.

She’s heading to high school this fall, so we’ve had our fair share of disagreements through the past few years. I’ve seen more eye rolls and closed doors than I care to count. I’ve cried after snarky remarks, and I’ve always tried to steer her in the right direction.

Even through all of the fights, she’s always needed me. She’s always wanted to tell me things, and she’s always reached out to me. When something has bothered her, she’s always needed momma.

And then this week happened. One moment after another of her not needing me while she’s been at camp. The phone going to voicemail when I call. Texts not being answered. And my heart is broken. It’s split into two, and I realize all parents go through this at some point.

I’ve given her space, as hard as that is. No one prepares you for these moments though. No one says they’re going to pull away. No one warns you that you’ll wake up one day and not be needed nearly as much. And I know this is only the beginning. I know she will only continue to become more independent, and I’m no longer needed quite as much.

I know it’s as it should be, but my momma heart isn’t ready. I shouldn’t have to start letting go so early. I shouldn’t have to let go until she leaves. But I know it starts now. I know we need these moments to prepare us for the next few years.

So, I’m trusting God. I’m trusting that He will take care of her and hold her in His hands. I’m praying that she always trusts Him completely. I’m praying that she follows His will for her life.

And I’ll cherish every moment that she does open her heart to me. I’ll embrace her with open arms tomorrow when she walks in from camp. I’ll listen to her stories and pray that she knows it’s okay to need her momma. And I’ll try to be okay with letting go.

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