Author: Emilydvsn

My heart ached as I stared at the text.

“Okay love you too”

I knew how she texted. I knew I wouldn’t hear from her again tonight. My firstborn. The one I had spent hours a day praying for. The one who made me mommy. The one who gave my life a new purpose. She was now breaking my heart.

She’s heading to high school this fall, so we’ve had our fair share of disagreements through the past few years. I’ve seen more eye rolls and closed doors than I care to count. I’ve cried after snarky remarks, and I’ve always tried to steer her in the right direction.

Even through all of the fights, she’s always needed me. She’s always wanted to tell me things, and she’s always reached out to me. When something has bothered her, she’s always needed momma.

And then this week happened. One moment after another of her not needing me while she’s been at camp. The phone going to voicemail when I call. Texts not being answered. And my heart is broken. It’s split into two, and I realize all parents go through this at some point.

I’ve given her space, as hard as that is. No one prepares you for these moments though. No one says they’re going to pull away. No one warns you that you’ll wake up one day and not be needed nearly as much. And I know this is only the beginning. I know she will only continue to become more independent, and I’m no longer needed quite as much.

I know it’s as it should be, but my momma heart isn’t ready. I shouldn’t have to start letting go so early. I shouldn’t have to let go until she leaves. But I know it starts now. I know we need these moments to prepare us for the next few years.

So, I’m trusting God. I’m trusting that He will take care of her and hold her in His hands. I’m praying that she always trusts Him completely. I’m praying that she follows His will for her life.

And I’ll cherish every moment that she does open her heart to me. I’ll embrace her with open arms tomorrow when she walks in from camp. I’ll listen to her stories and pray that she knows it’s okay to need her momma. And I’ll try to be okay with letting go.

I sat tonight mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. I saw post after post of pictures of friends celebrating birthdays, families on vacation, and people genuinely seeming to live their best lives. It’s so easy to get caught up in the comparison game, especially on social media. I find myself with a lot of “I wish” statements. I say things like, “I wish my house was bigger.” “I wish we could go there on vacation.” “I wish I had a group of friends like that.”

Then I linger on that last one. I’ve always heard, “Find your tribe.” The problem is that my tribe seems to be lost or perhaps it’s me. I’ve always been that way though. I’ve never stuck with friends very long. It’s not that I didn’t have good intentions or that I didn’t like them, we always just grew apart. And I found that I always seemed to be the one who kept those relationships going. When I stopped trying, the friendships ended.

Now, I’m also not saying that I have no friends. I do have some great people in my life. People who love and care for me, just not those ugly cry in the middle of the night friends, if that even makes sense.

Then I realized I have found my tribe. The four other people who live in these four walls are my tribe. They are the people who have seen me ugly cry. They’re the people who know how to pull me out of my funk. They’re the people I trust the most in the whole world.

My tribe definitely looks different. They’re not everybody’s cup of tea, but I would choose them a million times over again. And it’s okay that my weekends aren’t full of parties and dinner dates. I’ll gladly be here on the couch with my babies. Now, excuse me while we finish Toy Story (for the 1700th time today!).

I was excited to see my little boy’s class picture as I opened his backpack this afternoon. He sat on the front row in his bright blue shirt smiling his fake little smile. I grinned knowing they had to coax that out of him. I looked at the other kids in the picture glad to see who he spent his days with, and my heart sank a little. You see, my little boy is in the special ed room. The room no parent dreams of their child being in. You could see some of the disabilities on some of their sweet faces.

But you can’t see Witten’s, so sometimes people forget. They forget until he begins to speak and the words are unclear. As he pointed out his friends, I struggled to understand the names he spoke. People forget until he begins to interact with them and they realize he’s well below a five year old.

Some days even I forget. I live in the day in and day out, and I see so much growth. I hear a little boy that can now speak to me in sentences when before he just cried. I see a little boy work puzzles and look at books when before he wanted nothing to do with those things. I see a little boy who can interact with those around him when before he would hide.

But lately I find myself living in the defeat. I find myself mourning who he could be, and then feeling guilty for those feelings. I find my heart breaking that there are some things I can’t help him with. There are some things he just still doesn’t understand. I find myself mourning what should have been. I tell God that it shouldn’t be this way. And my heart hurts for my little boy, and I yearn for better days.

Some days are just hard. Today is one of those days. Tonight I have cried and mourned. You see, Witten is supposed to go to kindergarten in August, but he’s still not potty trained. I’ve tried it all. Tonight, I knelt beside him and told him if he would poop on the potty we would buy him Mickey Mouse underwear. He responded by telling me that he just wants Mickey Mouse diapers. I don’t know where the disconnect is, and I don’t know how to help him.

And so I give it to God. It doesn’t matter how many books or articles you read, you can’t fix it all. Trust me, I’ve tried. I feel like we’re doing all the right things, and it’s still not enough. However, some things we just have to walk through and trust God through them.

So, if you’re a mom like me, I see you. I know it’s hard some days. We will make it because that’s what we do. And no matter how ill-equipped you feel to carry this load (I know I do!), God will see you through. I’m praying for you and your little one!

I sat across from a table last night and listened to someone talk about my sweet Witten in an ugly way. My heart began to pound and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I was suffocating. I rushed to throw away my food, and tears stung my eyes as I raced outside. I began to weep for my sweet boy.

You see, my little boy is different. He’s five years old and struggles to speak clearly. He gets really frustrated when we can’t make it out. He’s five years old, and he’s still not potty trained. I’ve tried everything, but I don’t know how to help him. He’s five years old and he still has tantrums that I can’t control. You see my little boy is autistic.

This is one of those crazy disabilities that fool people because on the outside he looks completely normal. People assume he is a typical five year old until they start to talk to him and realize he functions lower than most his age. People don’t always realize he is different.

But once you get to know him, you realize how big his heart is. He loves everybody. He wants to please you, and will do anything to get you to smile or even hold him after he’s been in trouble.

Once you get to know him you also realize he’s so funny. He always has us laughing about something. He says and does some of the funniest things I’ve ever seen a five year old do and say. Life would definitely be boring without him.

He’s not your typical five year old, but he’s exactly who God created him to be. Not everyday is easy as I navigate his disability, but I just trust God to lead me through it all. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t change who he is. He maybe different, but different is good. And I truly believe God will you use all the hurt for His glory. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:8

My husband and I helped to chaperone a middle school dance last night. The last one for our oldest daughter before she heads off to high school. The kids were decked out and looked amazing, but one little girl couldn’t seem to stop making ugly comments to another.

Now, these weren’t just comments behind her back. No, these were directly to her face. I was appalled she thought this was okay, but we’ve all done this haven’t we? No? Just me. I know I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth time and time again. And I know my teenage years were the worst. It wasn’t long ago that we sat down to talk to our own daughter about this.

But at some point, we must mature as believers and realize that our words do matter. Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” That’s a powerful verse. Within our tongues is the power of life and death. What we say matters.

It could be as simple as two girls being catty, but it’s in every conversation. It matters how we speak to our spouse. Are we lifting them up? Are we always threatening divorce when any little thing goes wrong or are we working through a solution?

What about with our kids? When they make a mistake do we try to help them learn from it or do we just condemn their choices? Do we convey that we love them and are proud of them?

What about ourselves? How do we speak about ourselves and our body image? What about our intelligence?

What about our other relationships? Are we thinking before we speak?

To me, this is one of the hardest things. You see, I love to talk, and my mouth can get me in a lot of trouble. It has taken many years to not say everything I think and to everybody, and trust me, I still mess up. Thank you, Jesus, for grace. Everyday I have to come to Him for help, and everyday He walks me through despite my downfalls. I will choose each day to speak life.

Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am no encourager. I try, but I really stink at it. I can’t always remember what you said you were going through or what’s been happening in your life. I try. I really do, but this whole lifting up others thing doesn’t come naturally to me.

However, the Bible tells me that’s exactly what I need to be doing. So, I try. I’m sure it’s helped me lose friends along the way, but the most important relationship that it’s hurt is my marriage.

I was reading a devotional this morning that really hit me in my gut. I always seem to focus on the negative. Thomas reminds me of this when I’m nagging, but of course I tell him he’s wrong. Don’t tell him, but he’s right. Seeing the negative comes so easy for me, but that does not help my marriage.

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” I don’t have to dwell on those negative thoughts. I can take those thoughts into captivity. Just like any other thoughts that are not God-honoring, we can bring them to Jesus. Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy-meditate on these things.” We can make a choice where we let our thoughts go. And the thing about thoughts is that they eventually become our words and actions.

I know that I don’t want some of my negative thoughts to become words. Unfortunately, they have in the past. I’ve said things that I’ve truly regretted because I spent so much time dwelling on the negative.

So today, I’m making a conscious choice to think on the good. There will always be good and bad things I can dwell on. But today I will intentionally look for the good. He’s such a great dad who is so hands-on. He is always willing to run those pesky errands I don’t want to. He is a great grocery shopper and saves me the hassle. All in all, he always tries to make my life easier. He really takes care of me, and I am so thankful for him. I couldn’t imagine life with anyone else.

Maybe you’re like me and you’re a negative Nelly. Make the choice today to have more God-honoring thoughts.

Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42

This morning I woke early to the sound of snoring. I knew then I couldn’t go back to sleep. My heart has been so heavy lately. I’ve been carrying so much and some is even too hard to utter into words. Few people know and I really don’t want to talk about it. So I haven’t even written. But my heart is heavy, so I need to tell someone. I need to cry. So I make my coffee and come to my chair where I can sit at the feet of Jesus.

Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” So, I come. I bring it all, and I put it at His feet. I know I can’t carry it. And I know I have to write and encourage you to do the same.

I don’t need to tell you all that’s been going on with us to tell you that the best place to take it is Jesus. Learn to have a relationship with Jesus. He wants to be your best friend. John 15:15 says, “No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.” Once you have a close relationship with Him, then you can bring your burdens to Him and leave them at His feet. He truly cares about every part of your life.

Just like Martha in the story above, we can get so caught up in things that are around us. We begin to focus on our circumstances and we forget to look up. We don’t pause to have those quiet moments with Jesus. We don’t let Him search our hearts. We just revel in our heartache, in our depression, in our regrets. And our hearts become so heavy.

But when we kneel at the feet of Jesus, when we quit looking at our circumstances, when we lay it all down at His feet, things begin to change. I don’t mean that our circumstances necessarily change. I mean our perspectives. We allow God to now have the control in our lives. Some of those things maybe some long roads ahead, but God will see you through it all.

If your heart is heavy today, I encourage you to come and sit at the feet of Jesus. If you don’t know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, I encourage you to invite Him in your heart today. I’d love to walk you through that.

As I sat watching the news last night, I couldn’t help but cry. What happened today at our nation’s capitol building was disgusting. This past year has shown us nothing but a divided country and some of the worst acts from American people I’ve seen in my lifetime. I’ve seen more hate, and I’ve heard more hate spewed from people’s mouths than I ever want to hear.

As I watched the windows being broken in our capitol building, I can remember walking through there. I remember how beautiful it was and how sacred it seemed at only 15 years old. It was breathtaking and beautiful. We walked quietly through the halls as we were ushered in to watch Congress from high above as they worked. And yesterday, this same place was treated with utter disrespect. My heart was broken, but a question played in my head, “Where is your trust?”

You see, I think from both sides of the aisle, we have put too much of our trust in a man. I don’t care who you voted for. I want to know, who do you serve? Matthew 6:24 says, “No one can serve two masters; he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” This is exactly what we’ve tried to do. We have tried to serve God and man and we can’t any longer.

No matter your political association, my God is still on the throne. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8) He’s not changing because of who the president of the United States is. We are not bigger than Him. I’ve been reading a devotional from Life Church called “Different”. This devotional talks about how as Christians, we are set apart from this world. He asks these questions today: “Do I look to culture and government to make the world right, or do I look to Jesus and His Church? Do I try to control situations, or do I seek God with the good works and deep trust He asks for? When people treat me unjustly, do I respond with love? When I suffer, do I patiently trust God, or do I try to find my own way?”

We’ve turned away for so long, it’s time we get on our knees and begin seeking God first. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 says, “If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

It’s time we decide who we serve. It’s time we realize that our battles are fought on our knees and not at the Capitol building. We’ve put our trust in man too long. No president will save us. And my God can still turn the hearts of kings. He’s in the miracle working business! It may seem like the world is dark today, but if you are a child of the King, be assured He is walking with you. And if you feel the need to battle, you better equip yourself with the full armor of God and get on your knees. This is spiritual warfare we’re facing!

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I will lift up my eyes to the hills – From whence comes my help? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2

As I sat down to write this morning, all I could hear God saying was “Look up. Get your focus off of earthly things.” And to be totally honest, He was telling me that all day yesterday, but I wasn’t really listening. How many times do we do that in our lives? A lot if you’re me!

My morning started with me hitting snooze yesterday about ten times. Then I had early duty putting me outside in the freezing cold, not once but twice that morning with all of the kids then Prek. Let me just tell you, I hate the cold! I worked all day and rushed to Dyersburg to pick up Olivia and get her to choir, which took longer than expected. I still had to get Ann Elizabeth, and if you didn’t happen to notice here in the south, it’s bedtime at 5:00pm. I was exhausted at this point and didn’t feel like cooking. We met the boys for dinner, and I still needed to make a Walmart run. By 8:00pm, I was dragging myself in the house, and I still had things to do. By this point I was done.

I found myself yelling at Witten and wishing he knew what was going on. And do you know what that little boy did in the midst of my chaos? He leaned over and grabbed me around the neck and said, “I love you.” It caught me off guard because I was fussing at him. It allowed me to take a deep breath and change my outlook. God used that little boy to change my whole demeanor.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the here and now and not put our focus on Jesus. James 4:14 says, “Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” In a blink of an eye, we are gone, and all of this fades away. We have to be intentional about keeping our eyes fixed above.

Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:2

We have to stay in the Word and we have to stay in prayer. Romans 10:17 says, “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, “Pray without ceasing.” Lots of people think that as long as they are in church on Sunday mornings, they are getting enough of God’s Word and spending enough time with him. This is not the case. We have to have that time where we just quiet our spirits and spend time with the Lord on our own. Think of it this way, if you had a friend that you only hung out with in large groups, you would never get to know them intimately. On the other hand, when you start to spend time with them alone, you become closer. It’s the same way with God. You need that one on one time with Him. It’s hard to look up when you don’t truly have an intimate relationship with Jesus,

Without that intimacy with the Lord, our troubles become our focus. I encourage you today to spend some time with the Lord and look up. Change your outlook. Let those glimpses of God’s grade, make you step back and take a deep breath. No matter how grim the outlook, look to the One who can change it all.

If you are not sure what a relationship with Jesus looks like or even is, please contact me today. I would love to talk with you and lead you to Jesus.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8

Yesterday I shared several of the things that our family has been going through, but today I wanted to talk about shifting our focus. I want to talk about how we can choose not to let those things consume us. Disclaimer: I’m still a work in progress! I don’t have all of this figured out, but these are some of the things God is encouraging me to do.

First, look at others. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. I don’t want you to compare yourself with others. We do too much of that in this digital crazed world. Look at others you can help. Once you get your focus off of yourself and blessing others, God always shows you someone in a worse situation than you. There are countless times this has happened in my life. In those moments, I have to take a step back and decide how to respond to their need. To be completely honest, I used to be terrible, but through time I’ve become intentional about helping others when I know the need.

Now, you can’t pour out of an empty cup, so you can’t stop praising the Lord. James 1:2-3 says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” I don’t know about you, but it is good for my soul to just praise the Lord. I’ll sit in my living room alone and turn on my worship music and just spend time with the Lord. His peace just washes over me.

Thirdly, you have to spend time in the Word. You have to grow through this trial you’re facing, and you have to have truth in your life. Only real truth comes from the Bible. Psalms 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Staying in the Word will lead us where He is calling.

Fourthly, we have to keep praying. You can pour out all of your hurt and all of your frustrations to your Savior. Psalms 3:3-4 says, “But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the LORD with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill.” I shared these verses yesterday, but I just had to again. When we cry out to Him, He always hears us and He lifts us up.

When going through things, we have to shift our focus. It’s so easy to get caught up in all that’s going on with us, but we have to give it all to God. A friend of mine commented yesterday, GOD IS BIGGER. And she is so right! He can change our circumstances in an instance or He can make us walk through it all. Either way, He is able to give us the strength and peace to get through it all. I pray that if you are going through something today that you shift your focus to the One who can change your circumstances or your heart. I pray you know who holds your future.

If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior and aren’t sure how to make that happen, please reach out to me. I would love to pray with you.